


Swords and Guns Ever After

by Stripe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-16
Updated: 2012-12-16
Packaged: 2017-11-21 06:57:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/594772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stripe/pseuds/Stripe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave and Jade are expecting, and they have some important questions that need answering.</p>
<p>Written for <a href="http://promptbound.tumblr.com/">Promptbound</a> for the prompt "Dave/Jade, Sword and Gun+Babies Ever After"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Swords and Guns Ever After

**Author's Note:**

> This is possibly one of the more ridiculous things I've written for fandom, and I would have let it just live on my tumblr if I didn't need the pesterlog formatting.
> 
> I would apologize but I'm not sorry.
> 
> Please don't take this seriously.

TG: yo egbert ive got a really important question for you  
TG: need to settle this shit once and for all  
TG: john come on just respond to me already i know youre on  
TG: john  
TG: john  
TG: john  
EB: ok, dave! hold your horses!  
EB: give me some time to check my e-mail before i respond to you, ok?  
TG: no dude  
TG: this is a matter of the utmost importance you dont prioritize enlarging your penis through sketchy e-mails over this shit  
EB: ok look, whatever your problem is, i have to check my e-mail because i actually go to WORK now like a NORMAL FUNCTIONING ADULT.  
EB: and what are you doing again?  
TG: between jobs  
EB: you are so lucky that jade is rich off of her science inventions.  
TG: anyways it doesnt matter i have a really important question for you  
EB: ok, i'll bite.  
EB: what is your question?  
TG: gun or sword  
EB: what?  
TG: you heard me gun or sword  
EB: for what?  
TG: for the kid  
TG: see because jades all on about how  
TG: guns are more modern and more effective than swords and how they are like objectively better in every way  
TG: but come on obviously the kids gotta use a sword  
TG: i cant be a good dad if i dont train him to be like a fucking baby samurai  
EB: i think that is the opposite definition of "good dad."  
EB: why are you two even talking about what weapon to give your kid?  
EB: jade's not even in the third trimester yet.  
TG: gotta have it ready for the kid when it comes out of the womb  
TG: its just what you do with babies  
EB: ok i don't have a kid but i am about 100% sure that that is not what you do with babies.  
TG: no look just listen  
TG: its part of the birthing ceremony  
TG: you hand the kid some shades and a weapon and say  
TG: go forth in the world its your clam  
EB: oyster.  
TG: no pretty damn sure its a clam  
EB: ok well i'm pretty sure that birthing ceremony you just described is something you totally made up!  
EB: you're not supposed to give weapons to babies.  
TG: well yeah not if youre lame  
TG: but me and jade arent lame  
EB: you guys are going to get arrested for child endangerment.  
TG: more like child empowerment  
EB: i'm done talking about this. i've got work to do.  
TG: ok come on i promise ill leave you alone for the rest of the day to work on spreadsheets and being boring as fuck  
TG: you just gotta give me an answer so we can settle this one and for all  
EB: ugh, i don't know! this is really stupid!  
EB: just give the baby both!  
TG: huh

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] \-- 

TG: so yeah thats why our baby is going to basically be the best baby ever  
TG: all the other babies on the jungle gyms are going to be mad jealous of our dual wielding kid  
TG: like the baby comes with a soundtrack   
TG: minute it shows up on the playground dramatic as shit music starts playing  
TG: baby holds out the sword then fires a couple of warning shots  
TG: using a pistol not one of jades rifles we made a compromise on that   
TG: though maybe one day it will be badass enough to use a rifle one handed  
TG: i dont even know if thats possible but our babys going to be so cool itll do it anyways  
TG: so yeah all the kids start running  
TG: got like ten all piled up in the slide because its one of those tube slides that you cant see into and they think its safe  
TG: but nothings safe  
TG: playground will never be safe again  
TT: What a truly riveting tale. Perhaps I will adapt it into my next novel.  
TG: you should this is like grade a writing material right here  
TT: Then I will most certainly take it into consideration.   
TT: Here, perhaps I shall draft the first few paragraphs for you now.  
TG: wow am i getting exclusive first draft privileges here from rose lalonde herself  
TG: should sell this shit on the black market  
TG: ok wow youre taking a really long time to write this hurry it up or something would you  
TT: He steps onto the playground as might a hero from one of the Spaghetti Westerns he had come to idolize as a child, the spurs grafted to his sneakers clicking in a menacing fashion. The films had raised him from a young age, taught him the ways of the world when his parents had been so tragically absent from his life. He learned to speak and shoot, and the electric glow of the television would lull him into a slumber every night, as a poor substitute for a bedtime story. But the words of the stars echo through his mind now as he pulls out his pistol and fires a warning shot at the monkey bars.  
TT: Forgive me, I imagine it will take many a trip to the thesaurus to bring this passage up to my usual speed.  
TG: woah woah woah hold up  
TG: why is our kid an orphan  
TG: like its pretty much stated in the definition of our kid that it is not going to be an orphan because me and jade are going to raise it  
TT: Well, first, every great antihero cannot get by without at least one dead family member.   
TT: And secondly, if you are honestly entrusting dangerous weapons to a child that young, then I cannot imagine that you will live long to tell the tale.  
TT: I believe that Jade's late grandfather is rather a testament to that fact.  
TG: well ok yeah that was pretty bad but that also had some weird glowing dog shit going down and i told jade that our house is officially creepy glowing dog shit free  
TG: my bro raised me with weapons all my life and nothing happened to him until the game  
TT: And clearly your brother is the pinnacle of fine parenting.   
TG: harsh  
TT: I'm sorry.   
TT: But honestly, please be careful. I know that the two of you are excited to be bringing another life into this world, but I would also hope you understand that life is fragile.  
TT: This child of yours does not have a dreamself and cannot go god tier.   
TT: If you mess up once, that's it.  
TT: I'd rather not have to see the two of you lower a tiny coffin into the ground.  
TG: wow   
TG: way to kill the light banter there rose  
TT: I'm serious.  
TG: ok ok   
TG: no real weapons until we can teach it gun safety and stuff  
TG: well send it on the playground with a nerf sword and a water gun or something  
TG: still pretty badass for a little kid  
TG: i guess  
TT: That sounds like a much safer alternative.  
TG: more boring though

\-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] \-- 

GG: john i have a really important question to ask you!  
GG: john!  
GG: john!!  
GG: john!!!  
GG: john!!!!  
GG: i will not stop adding exclamation points until you answer!!!!!  
EB: geez, ok!  
EB: what's up?  
EB: i swear to god if you're here to try and ask me about your stupid gun and sword thing again that i am just going to block you.  
EB: do you guys not understand the definition of "i am at work"?  
GG: no dave and i figured out the sword and gun thing  
GG: thanks to you i might add! :)  
EB: thank god. that was probably the stupidest argument you two have ever had.  
GG: i agree! but we have another question this time.....  
GG: dog or bird?  
GG: see because dave thinks that a bird is better because it can fly around and stuff  
GG: but obviously a dog is better!!  
GG: because dogs can play fetch and do tricks and are the best in every way  
GG: and all birds do is sit in cages and poop!

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG] \-- 

GG: john?? :(  
GG: im going to tell dave you said dog ok??  
GG: ok :)


End file.
